I watch you sleep. Sure, it’s probably creepy, but you are mine, so I can do what I want with you for now. I have to soak all these moments up because one day you won’t let me hold you as you sleep.
I can’t believe you are 4 months old today. I’m so frustrated with father time for allowing these last 4 months to wiz by. At any other time in my life, 4 months would seem like an eternity. But now, time moves so quickly it’s just mind-boggling. It’s painfully unfair how fast you are growing, and how rapidly you are changing. In the last 2 weeks you learned to roll over, you learned that you can scream fairly loud just for fun, and you study your hands as if they are tiny little Picasso paintings and you are a starving artist basking in their glory. I watch every movement you make in fear I will miss some miraculous benchmark in your life.
You see, you rolled over while playing in your bed very early one morning last week. I was frustrated because you wanted to laugh and play at 5am, and I wanted to sleep. I tried to quiet you, but to no avail. So, I laid you on your back, went to get a drink of water, and upon my return, you were on your stomach laughing loudly. I felt as if you betrayed me. I’d worked so hard to help you learn to roll over, and the moment I walked away, you showed me I wasn’t needed in your achievement.
You taught me right then that I should not walk away in haste. I laughed to myself because it dawned on me that maybe you woke me up so early to show me your new trick. You were ready to roll over, and you wanted to share that with me, so you cried out for me to come to you. And I did so begrudgingly because I was tired, and I went to get water because I was frustrated. All you wanted to do was show me how awesome you were, and what new skill you had. I failed you in your success, and I apologize for that. I’m still learning too. And I learned a valuable lesson in how quickly things move along, how you have no timeline, and how you can wake and do something more amazing than when you fell asleep.
So yes, I watch you sleep. For when your eyes open, I want to be there. I want to hear your first words, see your first steps, wipe your sad tears, calm your fears, feed your hungry belly, and just be there. No matter what time of day it may be. But for now, darling, it’s late. So, I will watch you smile as you sleep. And never complain again when you cry out.
Happy 4 months, Emma. Sweet Dreams.