First Trimester is Moving Along….
We are becoming better friends little fetus. About 8.5 weeks into this pregnancy I am getting the hang of the violent vomiting and nausea that has overtaken my body. I have to say, this baby business sure does a number on the body.
Your dad is really excited. He is trying to understand how & why I feel so sick every moment, but he is excited for you. He may be more excited than I am at this point. Not that I am not excited, but I am sick. And that is not so much fun. I’ve vomited everywhere. At every Sephora in the 5 surrounding states, in my car, on myself, at the airport, and even on some mans shoes on a plane. I’ve never felt sexier.
I got to see you this week. You look a lot like a turtle right now. But, you were healthy from what I was told. The doctor said you seemed really laid back. I am hoping this trait stays in you. Your heart was beating really fast, and that worried me, but apparently that is good. I didn’t give the doctor what she wanted to see. She wanted tears, laughter, or big smiles. I just asked a lot of technical questions and grimaced a lot. I was riddled with worry that I wasn’t going to be good enough for you. Or that I wasn’t going to keep you safe enough for the next few months, and then the following years. So once I saw the doctors disappointment, and she mentioned my intense glare, I faked a big smile to appease her. I know I should feel overwhelmingly happy, but I mostly feel fear. A whole lot of fear. That in turn, also makes me puke.
I’m probably not going to be very good at this, little fetus. I don’t know that I am super maternal. And I don’t even know how to begin wrapping my head around my job, and having you. I know a lot of women do it, but I never thought I would be a working mom if I chose to walk the motherhood path. I wanted to be a mom like my mom. A stay at home mom that could tend to all your needs. But, that is fairly impossible in this day and age. You are not coming about in a very strong economic situation. We aren’t poor, so don’t worry. You will be fed. And we have you a really nice house with a giant yard to play in, but you will not be living in a mansion and going off to exotic locations for vacations like you deserve. That was a life I got really close to having, and gave up. And I am so glad I did. Because had I not given it up, I wouldn’t have your dad or you.
I worry a lot. I worry about way more things than I should worry about. But, I worry. It’s probably one of my biggest faults, so I apologize in advance for all the worry. I have gotten a lot better at controlling it, if that is any consolation at all. But, if I am overbearing at times, know that runs strong on my mothers side. And the bossy side of me comes from my dad. But, I’m pretty funny at times, and I hope you catch my sarcasm and dry wit. Because that will make you very cool when you are older. It will not be appreciated when you are younger. Except secretly by me, because that’s me shining thru you.
In between all the puking, sweating, and sleeping, I am playing you music. Because if there is one thing I really want you to inherit is a joy and love of music. Let me tell you how it will be the greatest escape of your life. I want you to learn lots of instruments, sing, and be better at this than I am. A little Eric Clapton would be awesome to have. Although I know your dad is praying for a Valentino Rossi. (He’s a motorcycle racer, and your dad is already looking for you tiny motorcycles.) At least you have the option to be well rounded. But, back to the music. I am not sure what you like yet, so I am just playing you all of my favorites. I grew up on mo-town, rock, classical, blues,and hip hop, so I hope you are enjoying the selections. Since you give me absolutely no sign that you do, you are forced to listen to what I choose. Later in life you can have your own tastes. And I am open to whatever you chose to listen to. I am actually open to whatever you want to do, and whoever you want to be. I won’t stand in your way because I believe in doing what is in your heart. I will be your biggest cheerleader for anything. What I do expect is that whatever you choose to do, you do it well.
I’m not really sure if you have ears yet, but if you do, I hope you’re loving the poetry of Shel Silverstein I am reading you. I figured we would start here and evolve into other things. But, it is incredibly important you are well versed in language. I love words, and if there is one thing I instill in you outside of music, it will be how to use worlds correctly. I do not wish to be in a verbal battle with some ignorant kid that can’t fight back correctly. And I foresee a lot of those in your teen years if you are anything like me or your father. Please don’t be anything like me or your father. We are good adults now, but we were rotten kids. Oh, and learn a lot of languages. It’s so important that you can communicate to others of all walks of life. I refuse to have a kid that is intolerant to others. Our world to big for your mind to be closed and small.
I am not sure how this turned in to a giant letter to you. It was supposed to be about how this pregnancy has evolved. Maybe this is the first of many evolutions. I have learned that you are not just this thing making me vomit and sweat. You are an actual little person that I am dealing with.
So, there you have it. You mother has already evolved a bit.